Its been a while since the last time I was here, and there are so many things that I would like to put in here. But since something that has bugged me for months made an impact on me today, I think I'm just gonna write something about it. I actually don't see the purpose in writing this but somehow, I think it'll make me feel better about myself. This post is named as such to show about my damn mind. I rarely talk about my feelings, but make this as an excpetion....
For those who know me since schooling days, I'm a rather quiet person, silently doing whatever that I have to do at the corner of the room and when things get in my way, I usually let it be, although it does irritate me sometimes. Although I appear calm and content on the outside and maybe a little smile and signs of happiness on my face, there is a presence of something dark and unsettled burning inside me. But this doesnt always happen to me, but when it does (and nowadays, its becoming increasingly unstable), I tend to supress it to make sure its controlled in a small place in my heart. Its a habit, I'm rarely emotional when the emotions concerned are not on the bright side. Thus, I rarely show my true emotions and when something "sharp" penetrates it, God knows what will happen, I myself not too sure what will happen. Even small things like a misunderstanding among friends can make it unstable. And I'm sure some people I know knows that I'm ultra-sensitive in dealing things about friendship and shit.
Events in the past year have made me a different person in some ways, but not too far from my original self. There are certain things or habits in me that I believe might be genetically connected, like my sensitiveness. Nevertheless, I have changed some of my ways and earlier this year I hoped that things will be different and more cheerful than last year. And to some extent, I thought I have overcome all the things that bugged me, which I had mentioned earlier, but no.. People around me have(either unwittingly or purposely) rekindled that stupid memories which I want to forget and move on. Why the hell does this have to happen?
I made a pledge to be a better person and friend this year with renewed spirit and hope, but like scratching a healing wound on your skin, people reminding of the bitter past has forced me to return to the dreaded square one. I have tried changing myself to suit my environment and people around me, but where can I go when there's something or someone spoiling my good intentions. Is this for all the sins that I have done? Is this some sort of karma or a sick joke? Sigh.. I heard people saying that I have changed in some ways, yes, its true just like I said, and as a result, I'm more silent and tend to shy away to some things or people which have affected me in previous times. Now its more like a fear of having it happening all over again that is holding me back on certain things, of course I wouldn't want to cling onto this fear, its a stupid thing to do, but again how'm I suppose to get on with life when things or actions keep reminding of the past. I want to get rid of this fear, I learn and have learned from my mistakes in the past, I want to move on because what happen in the past is history and I just want to get it out of my bloody mind.
All this shit going on in my head makes me feel, well, how do I put it, suicidal? Nah, will not happen, I tend to exaggerate. But please don't rub it in. I think its best if I dont elaborate anymore. Anyway, very unusual of me to write something like this, its a bit messed up and not orderly written, which explains how I feel right now. All in all, one thing is certain, I'm always hoping for the best to happen to everyone, including those people who doesnt like or hates me.
Hmmm.... Dude,looks like wht i thought is wrong..I thought u were ok oredi...thegreatrash is always here if u need his help...