Its been a while since the last time I was here, and there are so many things that I would like to put in here. But since something that has bugged me for months made an impact on me today, I think I'm just gonna write something about it. I actually don't see the purpose in writing this but somehow, I think it'll make me feel better about myself. This post is named as such to show about my damn mind. I rarely talk about my feelings, but make this as an excpetion....

For those who know me since schooling days, I'm a rather quiet person, silently doing whatever that I have to do at the corner of the room and when things get in my way, I usually let it be, although it does irritate me sometimes. Although I appear calm and content on the outside and maybe a little smile and signs of happiness on my face, there is a presence of something dark and unsettled burning inside me. But this doesnt always happen to me, but when it does (and nowadays, its becoming increasingly unstable), I tend to supress it to make sure its controlled in a small place in my heart. Its a habit, I'm rarely emotional when the emotions concerned are not on the bright side. Thus, I rarely show my true emotions and when something "sharp" penetrates it, God knows what will happen, I myself not too sure what will happen. Even small things like a misunderstanding among friends can make it unstable. And I'm sure some people I know knows that I'm ultra-sensitive in dealing things about friendship and shit.

Events in the past year have made me a different person in some ways, but not too far from my original self. There are certain things or habits in me that I believe might be genetically connected, like my sensitiveness. Nevertheless, I have changed some of my ways and earlier this year I hoped that things will be different and more cheerful than last year. And to some extent, I thought I have overcome all the things that bugged me, which I had mentioned earlier, but no.. People around me have(either unwittingly or purposely) rekindled that stupid memories which I want to forget and move on. Why the hell does this have to happen?

I made a pledge to be a better person and friend this year with renewed spirit and hope, but like scratching a healing wound on your skin, people reminding of the bitter past has forced me to return to the dreaded square one. I have tried changing myself to suit my environment and people around me, but where can I go when there's something or someone spoiling my good intentions. Is this for all the sins that I have done? Is this some sort of karma or a sick joke? Sigh.. I heard people saying that I have changed in some ways, yes, its true just like I said, and as a result, I'm more silent and tend to shy away to some things or people which have affected me in previous times. Now its more like a fear of having it happening all over again that is holding me back on certain things, of course I wouldn't want to cling onto this fear, its a stupid thing to do, but again how'm I suppose to get on with life when things or actions keep reminding of the past. I want to get rid of this fear, I learn and have learned from my mistakes in the past, I want to move on because what happen in the past is history and I just want to get it out of my bloody mind.

All this shit going on in my head makes me feel, well, how do I put it, suicidal? Nah, will not happen, I tend to exaggerate. But please don't rub it in. I think its best if I dont elaborate anymore. Anyway, very unusual of me to write something like this, its a bit messed up and not orderly written, which explains how I feel right now. All in all, one thing is certain, I'm always hoping for the best to happen to everyone, including those people who doesnt like or hates me.